Not Your Ordinary Ninja
by Akatsuki210
Summary: Oneshot.  Shikamaru copes with the psychological aftermath of his first kill.


**Disclaimer: **Since my name is not Masashi Kishimoto, it's safe to assume that I don't own the _Naruto_ series or any of its characters.

**Warning:** This fic contains spoilers for the manga.

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**Not Your Ordinary Ninja**

Shikamaru lay on his back, watching the clouds. Or rather, trying to watch the clouds. Normally, cloud-watching brought him a sense of calm and allowed him to escape whatever worries or fears were currently occupying his mind. But today, that calm eluded him. He couldn't imagine himself as a cloud, floating aimlessly on the breeze. Instead, he felt as though a rope were tied around his waist, anchoring him to a single point on the earth.

"Mind if I join you?"

Shikamaru turned his head to the side and saw Chouji standing beside him, a bag of chips clutched in his hand. Shikamaru gestured to a spot on the grass next to him, and Chouji sat down with a gracefulness that didn't match his bulk. He held out the bag of chips toward Shikamaru.

"No thanks."

"Are you sure? They're barbeque flavored."

"It's okay, I'm not hungry."

Chouji shrugged and withdrew the bag. He pulled out a chip and popped it into his mouth. The steady crunching sound filled Shikamaru's ears. Usually this was a reassuring sound—it meant that his best friend was beside him and all was well. But even that brought him no comfort today.

"Kurenai-senpai is doing well. She's been given temporary leave from active duty due to her pregnancy, and so she's teaching at the Academy instead. Iruka-sensei says he's really glad to have the extra help." Chouji looked at Shikamaru as though expecting an answer. When he received none, he continued, "Ino-san wants to hold a baby shower for her. She's been talking about it nonstop all day." Chouji swallowed another mouthful of chips. "This new barbeque flavor is really good. Are you sure you don't want some?"

"I'm fine."

"Well, anyway, Tsunade-sama's been looking for someone to…you know…take over our team. She was thinking of maybe asking Genma-senpai to do it. I think you'd get along well with him; he seems like a pretty laid-back person."

Silence.

"She's also…been thinking about…maybe promoting you to jounin and having you lead the team from now on."

Shikamaru suddenly sat bolt upright and fixed Chouji with an unusually intense look. "She can't be seriously considering that."

Chouji blinked. "Shikamaru, you took down an Akatsuki member one-on-one. You created a successful plan and instantly adapted it to include Kakashi-senpai and his team when they joined us. Not many other people could do that. You deserve the promotion."

"I don't want it!"

Chouji was surprised by the fierceness in Shikamaru's voice. Normally, he would have just said, "Man, I bet being a jounin is even more troublesome than being a chuunin." He cocked his head to one side. "Why not?"

"When I started this whole ninja thing, I just wanted to be an average shinobi. I'd reach an average rank, do average missions, earn average pay. Eventually I'd marry some average-looking kunoichi and have two kids—a boy and a girl. I'd retire at the average age, when my children had jobs and were married. Then I'd have an average retirement and die in my sleep of old age. That's all I really wanted. Just…an average life."

Shikamaru paused, but Chouji said nothing. He might not be a genius like his friend, but he knew that there are times to talk and times to just stay quiet and listen.

"Then Orochimaru showed up and everything went straight to hell. I got dragged off on that mission to pursue Sasuke-san before he caught up to that creepy Gaara kid. Of course, a bunch of Orochimaru's goons started following us. At one point, we decided that the only way to stop them was to set up an ambush. Thing is, the person who laid the trap would probably get killed. I volunteered to do it."

Chouji nodded. "Naruto-san told me that. It was a really brave thing to do."

Shikamaru shook his head. "No, it wasn't. I planned to escape and hide out somewhere in the forest until the whole thing was over. I didn't want to die."

Chouji frowned, his brow furrowing. "But you didn't escape. You ambushed those Sound ninja and held them in place until Asuma-sensei showed up."

"I was sitting there, leaning back against a tree, staring up at the clouds. And I thought, 'Whew, I'm glad I managed to make my escape.' And then…I kept thinking about Naruto-san. And Sakura-san. And that stupid dog, Pakkun. I thought about those nine Sound ninja catching up to them and killing them. I thought about Sasuke-san fighting Gaara and getting killed by that demon inside him. I looked up at the sky and I kept seeing their faces. And I knew that if I let them die, I'd go on seeing their faces every time I looked up at the sky for the rest of my life. So I got up off my ass and ambushed the Sound ninjas like I said I would."

"It sounds like you made a difficult choice."

"It was hard. And for a long time afterward, I kept thinking about how I would have died if Asuma-sensei hadn't shown up." Shikamaru paused. "You know, at that time, I couldn't use my shadows as offensive weapons. I could only use them to hold the enemy shinobi in place. Asuma-sensei was the one who actually killed all of them."

Shikamaru sighed and laid back down. Chouji knew that he was going to change the subject—he had hinted at what was really bothering him, but now he would back away from it again. Chouji stayed silent, letting Shikamaru take his time in getting to the root of his troubles. He had all afternoon, after all. He crumpled up the now-empty chip back and put it back in his pack.

"Losing Sandaime-sama…that affected the whole village. And we lost so many people in the fight against Orochimaru."

Chouji nodded in agreement. "But everyone pulled together and did what they could to restore the village's strength."

"We had just barely started to get back on our feet when Itachi showed up, and then Sasuke left."

Chouji dug around in his pack and found a package of pocky his mother had given him. He pulled out a stick and began munching on it. "I'll never forget that mission. We all almost died."

"That was the first time I was made a team leader. I was the one who designed our strategy. One by one, I let each person stay behind to fight one of the Sound Four while the rest of us went on ahead."

"It was the best strategy," Chouji said. "And it worked—we defeated all of the Sound Four."

"But like you said, we all almost died. _You_ almost died. Having to lead my friends into danger like that…it wasn't something I'd planned on when I became a chuunin."

"But you went through with it."

"Well, it's like I said back then: 'Uchiha Sasuke isn't my best friend, nor is he someone I particularly care about. But he's a fellow Leaf shinobi, and that's why we'll risk our lives to get him back.' There wasn't any other choice—we didn't have the time to wait for more experienced shinobi, and even if we did, most of them were too busy repairing the village to go out on a mission. Our forces were badly weakened following Orochimaru's attack, and we were the only ones Tsunade-sama could afford to send."

"You did well fighting against Tayuya. Figuring out how she was controlling those ogre-ghost things…that was pretty impressive."

"I didn't know if the rest of you were even alive, and Naruto-san was chasing Kimimaro. I had to stop her from going after him. But it wasn't me who killed her."

"Temari-san showed up and helped you out, didn't she?"

"Yeah. She was the one who dealt the final blow. I was annoyed because she was being all bossy and acting like I was some little kid who couldn't take care of himself…but I was kind of relieved too. Her showing up meant that I didn't have to kill Tayuya myself."

_That's twice now that he's mentioned how someone else dealt the killing blow in a fight that he participated in._ Chouji knew where this was going, but again, he simply remained silent. He knew where this was going, but he'd let Shikamaru get there on his own.

"And then, just two weeks ago, a monk showed up in Konoha describing how two Akatsuki members slaughtered everyone in his temple. I was in a squad with Asuma-sensei, Izumo-senpai, and Kotetsu-senpai. We were sent out with nineteen other squads to intercept them."

Chouji nodded as he continued consuming his pocky. "Each battalion went in a different direction, so as to cover the greatest possible area in the least amount of time."

"We found Hidan and Kakuzu. We fought them…Hidan activated that damage-mirroring jutsu. I came up with a plan that I thought would allow us to defeat him. It didn't work."

Chouji shook his head emphatically. "Asuma-sensei's death wasn't your fault. There's no way you could have known that Hidan's immortal. Against any other opponent, that plan would have worked perfectly."

"I know. It's not that I didn't plan for every contingency…it's just that there was a contingency I _couldn't_ plan for."

Chouji was confused. _He's not upset because he feels there's something more he could have done to save Asuma. So why…?_

"The plan was that I'd use my jutsus to force Hidan out of his circle, then immobilize him, which would allow Asuma-sensei to kill him. As it turned out, Asuma-sensei's blow landed—hell, it decapitated Hidan—but that just wasn't enough to kill him."

_Now I understand,_ Chouji thought. _It's right there in what he said: "_Asuma-sensei's _blow landed." Not "my blow." "Asuma-sensei's blow."_

"Then he killed Asuma-sensei," Shikamaru said simply. "I was so angry. Asuma-sensei was a good person, a good teacher, a good—he would have been a good father. And it was like…it was like that time with the ambush, when we were being chased by those Sound-nins during the invasion of Konoha. I couldn't just sit there and stare at the clouds when there was so much at stake. I trained harder than I've ever done in my life. I learned how to use Asuma-sensei's knuckle-blades, how to infuse them with chakra. I set up that trap with the hole and the explosive notes on my clan's ancestral ground, and I spent hours formulating a plan."

Chouji nodded. "It was impressive, watching you train that week—you were like a totally different person."

Shikamaru stiffened, and Chouji winced. _That_'_s exactly the problem, isn't it? You had to become a different person to defeat Hidan, and you're not sure you _like_ that person._

"For the first time, I wasn't fighting just to defeat my opponent, or to get away alive. I was fighting to _kill_ my opponent. I would have sacrificed my own life, if it meant I could take him with me. It's…It's what shinobi mean when they talk about 'killing intent.' I wanted him _dead_, and I didn't care what it took to make that happen. That's why I drew him away from you and Ino-san, why I wouldn't let you guys fight him. I wanted to do it myself." Shikamaru was sitting upright again, staring at the grass with his fists clenched in his lap.

Finally, after this long discussion, Shikamaru had finally come to the matter that was really bothering him. A shinobi's first kill was always a disconcerting event, and it could take a long time to come to terms with it. "Well, technically you didn't _kill_ him," Chouji pointed out reasonably. "I mean, no one could really kill him, even if they wanted to. So really, you still haven't taken a life."

Chouji suspected that consoling Shikamaru wouldn't be that easy, and he was right. "That's just semantics," Shikamaru said. "Even if I didn't technically end his life, it amounts to the same thing. I blew him up, Chouji. I blew his body to pieces. I…could smell his flesh burning, and I had to throw away the set of clothes I was wearing that day because I couldn't get the bloodstains out." Shikamaru stared down at his hands, as if he could still see blood on them. Chouji saw that Shikamaru's hands were red, as though he'd scrubbed the skin raw with repeated washings.

Chouji looked down at the ground. "I remember waking up in the hospital after the fight with Jirobou," he murmured. "The medic nins said I'd killed him. They congratulated me, as if it was something to be proud of, but I didn't feel proud at all." He saw that Shikamaru looked surprised, and realized that his friend had forgotten that Chouji had killed. Shikamaru had started telling his story to Chouji because he'd hoped that would make him feel better, but he hadn't really expected Chouji to be able to understand how he felt. "I brooded over it for most of the time that I was recovering in the hospital. You know, it was Asuma-sensei who finally made me feel better. He asked me who I was thinking about at the moment I killed Jirobou."

Shikamaru brought his hands together in the characteristic posture that meant he was thinking hard about something. "How did that help?"

"Well, Asuma-sensei said that if, at the moment you destroy your enemy, you're thinking about yourself or him, then you were doing it for the wrong reason—to prove to him that you're stronger, or to satisfy your own desire for vengeance. But if you're thinking about your precious people—your family or teammates or friends—then you're doing it for the right reason. You're doing it to protect them, to prevent your enemy from hurting the people you care about. So, who were you thinking of when you set off the explosive notes?"

"I…was thinking about Asuma-sensei, and Kurenai-senpai. And you and Ino-san. And…Kurenai-senpai's baby."

Chouji reached over and placed a gentle hand on Shikamaru's shoulder. "Then you did what you did for the right reason. You were thinking about the life he'd already taken, and the ones that you had to protect. You were thinking about how you didn't want what happened to Asuma-sensei to happen to the other people you loved." Chouji pushed himself to his feet, and hefted his bag over one shoulder. Slowly, he started walking away.

Shikamaru watched him go, and remembered why he valued Chouji's friendship so highly. Chouji might not be the most powerful ninja in the world, and he might not be a genius like Shikamaru, but he never failed to be there when Shikamaru needed him. One couldn't ask for a more loyal friend.

And now, as he looked up at the clouds, Shikamaru felt some of that old familiar peace returning to him. _I always just wanted an ordinary life. An average career, an average home life, an average everything. I never wanted to be a hero, or an "extraordinary" shinobi. I never wanted the kind of life that gets sung about in songs or written down in books. I never wanted to be part of some great historic struggle for the future of the world._

_But that's the kind of life I got handed. And somehow, I managed to do okay with it. I didn't run away, and I didn't abandon my precious people. I stood up and defended them, and I brought down the person who was threatening them. _

_I…did the right thing._

_I didn't ask for this kind of life, but I got it anyway. I'm just doing the best I can with it._

_And so far, I haven't failed horribly._

_That's good enough for me._

Shikamaru lay down on his back and continued to gaze thoughtfully at the clouds. Getting promoted to Jounin would probably be troublesome and annoying…but perhaps he could live with that.

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**A/N: **This story was actually inspired by a scene from my favorite non-anime show, _Lost_. (Seriously, that show is made of win and awesome.) One of the characters once had to kill someone to protect his home, and is haunted by that decision. While stuck on the island, he comes to terms with it, and concludes that he did, if not exactly the right thing, the _necessary_ thing. Shikamaru's line "I didn't ask for this kind of life, but I got it anyway. I'm just doing the best I can with it," is paraphrased from one of that character's lines: "I did not ask for the life that was given to me, but it was given nonetheless, and with it, I have done the best I could." (And, as with _Naruto_, I don't own _Lost _or any of its characters—which is too bad, because as I said before, it's an amazing show.) And yes, I know that's a really strange inspiration for a _Naruto_ fic, but oh well.

This is the first time I've really written Shikamaru, so I hope I kept him in character reasonably well. I know he doesn't usually talk this much, but I figured that the combined effect of Asuma's death and his first "kill" might make him act a little differently from normal. Certainly I wouldn't be my normal self if (God forbid!) I'd just been through something like that.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it, long rambling Author's Note and all. Please review!


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